


Hunger

by robertttsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-05-13 04:11:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertttsugden/pseuds/robertttsugden
Summary: hey guys, it's been a while.I have decided to re-write my old fanfic 'stick thin' as it seemed to do relatively well but i've realised how horrific my writing was in italso, obviously this is a fanfic where Robert is suffering from an eating disorder so I must stress that if stuff like this triggers you, this is not for youenjoy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, it's been a while.
> 
> I have decided to re-write my old fanfic 'stick thin' as it seemed to do relatively well but i've realised how horrific my writing was in it
> 
> also, obviously this is a fanfic where Robert is suffering from an eating disorder so I must stress that if stuff like this triggers you, this is not for you
> 
> enjoy

I'm sat in the back of the Woolpack , which is where I spend most of my time these days, watching my boyfriend sit and eat a rather appetising plate of the pubs finest food. I feel a pang of hunger in my stomach but I know I can't eat anything for another few hours as I've just some food for my dinner. Trying to loose weight isn't as easy as I thought it would be, but I need to do it. If only I was blessed with the gift of being naturally skinny. It really would make my life quite a lot easier. 

"I'm going to go up the the scrapyard and sort out some paperwork, you gonna be fine if I leave you for a few hours?" I hear Aarons raspy voice say as he stands up and pulls on his jacket.

" Yeah of course I'll be fine, you go sort out whatever it is you need to do." I reply to him with a slightly annoyed tone in my voice. I barely spend any time with Aaron as it is with him always looking after that little brat of a sister of his, and now he's leaving me to go to work- even though today is a day off for him! It's like I never see him anymore, but I know I can't say anything because Aarons the kind of person who likes to pick arguments and he's not exactly the most forgiving person.

"Okay well I best be off then, I'll see you later yeah?"

"Yeah, be careful."

"Of course I will ya daft softie" He replies laughing. I don't think he realises how much I actually care for him. How much love I have for him. How I would do anything humanly possible just to help him.

"I'm just trying to look after you, but okay then. You go ahead and have fun doing your paperwork." And with that he walks out the room to the front of the pub and I'm left all on my own. 

I wait a few minutes before I do anything. Liv is at school, well at least she's meant to be but knowing her she's probably off skiving. Noah's also at school. Chas and Charity are working at the bar and Aarons off up the scrapyard. So there's just me, myself and I. I stand up and slowly walk over to the back door and walk out. I set off to go to Victoria and Adams house.


	2. Chapter 2

As I reach their house, I repeatedly knock on the door in an attempt to gain whoever is insides attention. After a minute or so, I realise there is no one home so I reach into my pocket to retrieve the spare key I've always kept, and enter. 

I walk around the rather small, but cosy house ensuring that I wasn't just being rudely ignored, and that there truly is no one in. When I know for certain the coast is clear, I make my way upstairs and straight into the bedroom. I know for a fact that Victoria will have a full length mirror in here because, lets face it, it's Victoria. I take a deep breath and have a good long look at myself. I begin to realise exactly how truly unhappy I am with my body. I mean, I have always been one for trying to keep myself in a fairly health way, but this is different. When I look at myself all I feel is disgust, it sends waves of nausea through me.

I lift up my shirt and stare at my stomach. The first thing I notice is that horrific scar I was left with when Ross Barton took a shot at men, but after that the thing that springs to my attention is my abs.. or lack of. There's nothing there but fat, just a disgusting lump of fat. 

This diet is hard, much harder than I anticipated. I'm on the verge of starving myself if I'm being honest, but if that's what it takes to actually loose some weight, then so be it. Taking one last look I pull my shirt back down and I walk out of the room. There's no reason for me to be here really, but I don't go. Instead I walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I'm not sure why I lock it because there isn't anyone else in the house but I do anyway. I know there are other ways of loosing weight, more dangerous ways but I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. I mean, could I really be that selfish and make everything all about me when other people need my help. That's all I seem to be there for, helping people. No one would ever care about my problems. No one cared that I was struggling to accept who I was last year, all that they cared about was that I had cheated on poor, little innocent Chrissie and broke her heart. No one cared that my dad despised me with every fibre of his being, and that he preferred my adopted brother over his real son. No one cared that someone had tried to kill me, they only cared about what I'd done to deserve that. I bet some people were even wishing that I had died them. Sometimes I wish that too.

Suddenly I hear the door creak open and I snap out of my thoughts. Not knowing what to do, I quietly unlock the door and try to walk down the stairs making as little noise as possible. Unfortunately for me, that doesn't work.

"Robert? What on earth are you doing here?" Shouts a clearly startled Victoria.

" Sorry Vic, I was.. I was just looking for something. But it doesn't matter now I remember I left it at the pub." I reply quickly, making the words up from the top of my head.

"Oh okay then. Are you okay? You look a bit... I don't know.. tired" She replies with a tint concern in her voice.

"Um.. yeah yeah I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm fine" I quickly mumble out.

"Right, well you make sure you get enough rest tonight then."

"Yeah I will. I best be off then. I'll see you later" I say as I quickly walk over to the door, trying to get out as fast as I possible can.

"Bye Rob" I hear her shout in the distance but I don't reply as I walk out the house. Annoyed at myself for almost getting caught, I go back up the woolpack. I check my phone to see if I have any texts from Aaron, but as I guessed there's none.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for bulimia in this chapter

I didn't mean to. 

I don't know what came over me, I was doing so well. Why did I have to go and do that? I can't even bring myself to look at how many calories that must've had in it. God, I need to get rid of it somehow. I can't eat that much in one day. It's disgusting. No wonder i'm so fat, I just do it to myself. 

I take myself to the bathroom I make my way into the bathroom and take one last look at myself in the mirror and what stands out to me most is the lack of shape surrounding my rather un-defined jawline. 

That's when it finally hits me that I need to do more than just diet to loose weight. I need to try harder. With that thought slowly taking over my brain, as a parasite would with its host, I turn around and go and kneel down facing the toilet. I stick my first two fingers down to the back of my throat and make myself gag, until eventually it starts to come up.

I do it until nothing more will come up, till I can feel the satisfying emptiness within my stomach. Shaking quite vigorously, I stand up and flush the toilet, wash my hands and slowly sink down to the floor, trying to get my head around what it is that I've just done to myself. In one way, I feel dirty. But in another, I feel amazing, better than I have in a while.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days.

It has been two days since I made myself sick, I haven't done it again. Mind, that doesn't mean I haven't tried to. I'm not sure if it's just my lack of a gag reflex or if this thing needs some practice to get the right technique to it, but it sure is a lot harder than I thought. 

Despite all of that, I appear to be doing pretty good in the terms of my weight loss. I've set myself a target of shedding three more stone to get to an acceptable weight, but when I reach that if its not good enough I'll have to carry on, I've got to get into a decent shape. I've got to.

And of course, this means more dieting and more feeling like shit about myself, although I've grown quite used to the dieting now. I do get the occasional craving for something to snack on, but that's easily sorted with a bottle of Diet Coke. I haven't been able to bring myself to check what weight I am. I'm scared of how bad it's going to be and how disgusting it will make me feel. 

So far I've managed to refrain myself from eating anything apart from one box of salad in the past two days. No one seems to have noticed my lack of eating. Or maybe they have. Maybe they've noticed that I'm trying to diet and they've not said anything because they think it's for the best I loose some weight.

I sit, so completely lost within my own fucked up mind that I don't realise my slightly annoying sister attempting to make some conversation with me.

"Robert!" She practically shouts at me.

"What?"

"Have you had any dinner yet?" 

A sudden wave of panic shoots through me, has she noticed? No, no she can't have.

"Yeah I've just ate"

She'll believe me, I've had too much experience with lying throughout my tears for her not to. 

"Ah, me and Andy just decided to go out for ours and were wondering if you wanted to join us, but it doesn't matter."

I let out the breathe I didn't realise I was holding in with relief, however I do feel a slight bit of guilt too. I know how much family means to Vic, and I'd do anything to make her happy. "Actually, I didn't have that much so I guess I could tag along."

She replies with clear glee in her voice, "Great! Meet me at my house in ten, and you best behave yourself mind, no arguing with Andy."

"Yes okay, I won't start anything with him, but if he starts one with me don't expect me not to bite back." I love Andy deep down, as ashamed as I am to admit it, it wasn't his fault that dad was a complete twat towards me and not him.

"Good, I'll see you then" And with that she walks off. I go back to mine to go and get changed, and in the process of doing so I begin to notice that my clothes don't fit me as well as they previously did. They're not completely oversized, but they're slightly loose. This is a good thing, it means that it's working. So all I've got to do is keep this up. I throw on the best fitting shirt and jeans I can find, which still don't fit amazingly, but they'll do.

I see Andy and Vic stood outside waiting for me.

"Finally ! You literally take forever getting changed you do." Points out Vic. Andy doesn't say anything, but he does give me a funny look up and down. Probably being his usual judgemental self.

"Sorry, I didn't know what to wear." I quickly say. God, how stupid do I sound.

"Yeah obviously" She replies and with that the taxi pulls up ready to take us. We all pile in, me being sat at one side squished up next to Andy. 

The taxi arrives at the restaurant and we all get out. Vic stays behind to pay the driver and Andy drags me ahead.

"Robert" He states my name in a different tone than he usually speaks to me with, as if he actually cares.

"Mhm?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothings going on? Why would you think that?" Fuck. He's realised something. God Robert you fucking idiot, look at yourself you're practically shouting it from the windows dressing like that. 

"I've hardly seen you out in the village lately, that's not like you, Plus.. this" He makes a gesture towards the way I'm dressed "You don't look well, you've lost a bit of weight, you're not ill are you?"

He knows, he knows something. Just not completely. I can still save myself if I get myself together. "Oh, yeah I came down with the flu, I could hardly eat anything without throwing it back up. I'm alright now, I'm fine. Thanks for asking though."

But I'm not fine.


	5. Chapter 5

"If you say so.. but I'll be keeping an eye on you Robert, remember that."

"God so help me if yous two have been arguing again, it is honestly like having two 5 year olds." Points out Vic as she strides over, rescuing me from what had been a very awkward encounter. With that Andy gives a slight shrug of his shoulders and proceeds to give me one more look down before walking off into the restaurant. We both follow him inside, Vic a tad more enthusiastic than me. The waiter allocates us to our table, and with there being three of us and my current streak of bad luck, we ended up with a circular table, which means sitting next to Andy.

I try my best to avoid talking to him, but that turns out to be pretty much impossible the way Vic is with her gossip, it isn't like i can ignore her either, unless I want to deal with one of her rather childish temper tantrums. 

After what seems like years, our food arrives. Both Andy and Vic went quite plain with a bowl of spaghetti bolognese. And what did I order ? Well there was 'nothing on the menu that I fancied' so I ended up ordering a ceasar salad as a side to go with Vics meal, and then taking it for myself. I know I shouldn't be eating a full bowl of salad, but I guess it can't do much harm, plus it's not as if it's a full three course meal i'm having is it. I'll just have to figure out a way to get rid of the calories later.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// suicidal thoughts

I ate the entire thing.

That entire fucking bowl.

I keep trying to tell myself that I only did it because if I didn't they would be asking questions, but deep down I know it was because I wanted to. What was I even thinking? There's no way I'll ever get down to my target weight if I carry on like this. 

I managed to make a swift escape as such after the meal, made up an excuse about having some client to meet. Of course, I don't. I left to figure out a way to get rid of the horrifically large amount of calories I've just willingly consumed. I'm pulled out of my trail of thought when I feel a trickle of blood fall down my face, and realise I'm having a nosebleed that seems to be getting progressively more violent. As I try to clean myself up and stop the bleed, I try to think about why this is happening. I'm not one to normally get spontaneous nosebleeds. Maybe I'm getting ill, hopefully something serious. Maybe even something life-threatening or terminal. The way my life is going? I wouldn't mind that, not at all. I wouldn't have to suffer with this anymore, without having to put my family through the pain of actually knowing what was going through my head.

Without them knowing how much I truly fucking hate myself but that they never even cared enough to notice.


	7. Chapter 7

The deafening sound of my increased heartbeat rings round and round in my head as my feet hit off the forest ground. The faster I run the louder the noise gets, it's almost sickening. In fact, I think it literally is sickening. I can feel the nausea very rapidly building up in my stomach and suddenly I'm leaning against a tree, doubled over throwing up quite violently. As disgusting as it sounds, this is a good thing. This website gave me the idea, running burns calories as it is, and running so intensely that I end up throwing up? Even better. And to top it all off, who's ever going to know? It's a small village, not many of them go on runs, and the ones who do never seem to go on this route. As long as I can use my brain, which seems to be the only thing I've got going for me anymore, I'll be able to make sure I don't bump into anyone. It's the perfect way to get some exercise in, to throw up any food I do eat and it all equals to loosing weight.

I can hardly remember my run home, it's as if it's just been completely wiped from my memory. One second I'm throwing up next to a tree, and now I'm just at home, alone luckily. That's a problem now isn't it. Aaron. 

God, I love him. I love him more than words can describe. But how am I meant to hide this from him? He wouldn't understand. If he found out what I was doing, he'd probably tell me it was unhealthy, that what I was doing wasn't safe. I mean, I'd know he was just exaggerating but I can't have anything stop me from doing this, not now I've finally got everything on track. So I'll just have to try and distance myself from him, however much I hate to do it, it's a sacrifice I've got to make.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that if you are struggling with any eating disorders this may be triggering for you and please be careful!
> 
> also, i've been having some writers block lately and not much motivation so any comments about if you like the fanfic or any suggestions at all are very much welcome!

It's been two weeks since I discovered my new tactic of running and it seems to be working rather well, I aim to run at least twice a day and throw up on one of them, normally the second one as I'll have had something to eat throughout the day. I can't say it's my best idea as I'm starting to feel the effects of it. A constant burn in the back of my throat along with bleeding blisters from my feet every now and again. As grim as it sounds, it's most definitely worth it. It allows me to eat more throughout the day so I can afford some slip ups now and again when I don't have the motivation to stop my pig of a self from eating. Another positive is that it gives off the impression I am eating, which can stop anymore awkward situations like Andy happening again and help me to keep this secret, just until I reach my goal weight. I'm getting there, slowly but steadily. 

At this point, I'm starting to think to myself that maybe I do actually have a problem. Obviously not a severe one, but I've been on quite a few forums trying to get some tips with it all and maybe some of my methods aren't exactly the healthiest, but as long as they do the trick right? As long as I make sure they don't go any further then I won't have a full blown problem as such, maybe just a small one. It has crossed my mind lately to maybe talk to someone, such as Aaron or possibly Andy, it would explain my behaviour to them I suppose, but then I feel like they might take it way out of proportion and over react, which I'm not having as they'd just stop me from doing all this, I'd put all the weight back on and become horrifically overweight again and we'll be back to square one. So really, carrying on is my only option.

Speaking of Aaron, I feel like he might've noticed something. I mean, I've always been into my fitness to an extent, but never this much, more like a few trips to the gym every week. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since I started loosing weight, I felt too embarrassed for him to see my body, I can't face him without my barrier of clothes to protect my body from his judgement. Even though I know he would never say anything to me, he would most definitely be thinking about how fat I was, and I can't have that. When I've reached my goal weight it should all go back to normal, I'm aiming to have done that within the next week. I'm getting closer and closer by the day as every time I step on the scales they're going down by larger amounts each time, it's amazing what this new technique has done for my weight. Not much more to go now.


	9. Chapter 9

I've not reached my goal weight. Not in the slightest. In fact, I'm miles away from it. I know what's happened though, I've let my eating get out of hand again. With all the running I thought that would compensate and I might be able to get away with it but I haven't, not at all. That's why for the past two days I've ate nothing and increased the distance I run, so far it's worked a bit but not enough. I'm not loosing enough weight quick enough and it's driving me mad, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm probably just destined to be fat, it's the universes cruel way of getting back at me for all of the shit I've done in my life. It's not like I don't deserve it either.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts as I feel Aaron place a hand on my shoulder and say my name for what I'm assuming not to be the first time. That's becoming a problem too, my concentration has just been horrific. All I can think about is food. When am I going to go for my next run, how long will I run for, how many calories will I burn. It's taken over my entire life and I can't see a way out.

"What?"

"I've shouted of you about five times and you were too lost in your own thoughts to reply, and you look absolutely exhausted, what's up?" he asks me with what sounds like genuine concern in his voice, instantly filling me with guilt knowing that I'm causing him to worry over me. Maybe I should tell him? It's not like he would judge me, I know for a fact he would help me through everything.

"Nothing, what did you want?"

"Are you sure? And I was just asking what you wanted for dinner?"

Good question, what I want is to be able to eat an actual decent meal for once without feeling so guilty afterwards that I literally hate myself and have to find a way to get rid of it. "Nothing thanks, I'm not hungry."

"Not hungry? Robert, you've not ate anything yet today, you must be? In fact, you haven't been eating much at all lately, are you sure that everything's okay?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again,
> 
> I realise I left this fic for quite a while and in all honesty I forgot about it, however Ryans exit as Robert last night inspired me to come back and finish it off.
> 
> I would've liked to carry it on longer but with college etc I struggle to find the time so I thought I'd rather finish it for good rather than leave it open.
> 
> So, thank you to everyone that's read! And I hope we're all doing okay after last nights ep and enjoy this last chapter.

Them words just broke me. 

Deep down, I think I had been hoping for someone to ask me the question over whether I was okay or not, that's all I needed. Someone to notice, someone to show they actually care, and as expected, Aaron was the one to do so.

At first, I planned to just brush him off, pretend I was okay and just had some kind of sickness bug, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I opened my mouth and the tears just came streaming down, and there was no stopping them. Once I started to calm down, I started talking, and the rest just came naturally. I told Aaron everything, every gory little detail, and that was when I fully realised how fucked up it all was. I had an eating disorder, a bad one. It was unhealthy and dangerous, and could've got much worse. Aaron was as supportive as anything, he kept reassuring me he'd get me the help I needed, and that's exactly what happened , I got help.

And here I am, five years later. Me and Aaron got married, me and Andy actually properly made up and get on fine now, and for once in my life I finally feel like I'm happy with how things are going. Sure, I still have bad days, I haven't had a straight road to recovery to say the least. There's been good and bad days, and then some really really bad days. I've had relapses, but as of now it's been two years since I did anything of the kind, and it's been hard, but it's been worth it. If I'd have carried on the way I was, chances are I would've been dead at this point, I wouldn't have had the chance to make up with Andy, the chance to marry the love of my life, we're also looking into adoption now - which is another thing I wouldn't have the chance to do.

And all it took was one person asking if I was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I am so sorry this is such a shitty ending I really didn't know what to do with it at all so I sincerely apologise for this shit show.
> 
> I'm hoping to write more fics in the future (hopefully ones better than this) but I just wanted to say thanks for sticking it out and much appreciated, hopefully I'll see yous soon.


End file.
